"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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