I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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