if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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