just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
