So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
