ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
