I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
