So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
