Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm passing your future prison.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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