A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How does one acquire holy water?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We need to get me chipped asap
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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