Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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