I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
