The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
