so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
