Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
