is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
