I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
