I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
