saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
