way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
