Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize