Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
