I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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