I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
