I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
