she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this just has baby written all over it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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