i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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