I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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