you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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