I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize