Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
