quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
