Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
