It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
