Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
