Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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