Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
