I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
