I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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