Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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