I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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