and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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