There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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