her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
