Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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