i may or may not be watching the land before time
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She bit a glass in half.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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