John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
