Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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