Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
