All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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