she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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