Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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