I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have fence marks all over my body
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
