Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
