The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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