shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I puked a lego.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize