I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
